Words: How They Matter and How They Don’t

These past couple of weeks have brought a weight with them—a weight that many have already been feeling and that many are just beginning to feel for the first time. We have seen a man murdered by those who were sworn to protect their communities; we have seen other men murdered by opportunists who have taken advantage of communities at this time of deep pain. The brokenness of our world is apparent for all to see.

There are so many angles to the current issues that have been brought once again to the forefront in recent days that it is difficult to know where to begin. But in order for positive change to occur, begin we must. It is possible that I will write more posts on different aspects of the situation our country finds itself in, but to lay the foundation for any further topics, it seems that one theme must be addressed first that has arisen across the entire spectrum of responses to the injustices we have all witnessed.

In our world of social media where everyone has a platform from which to speak to hundreds, thousands, or even millions, it becomes dizzying to navigate the messages that are being sent. I have seen people be shamed for posting and others be shamed for not posting. I have seen criticisms of people’s silence yet also criticisms of the words people use when they choose not to be silent. I’ve seen people be applauded for asking how they can help and people criticized for asking rather than trying to figure it out on their own. In short, I have seen an obsession with words and a disregard for human beings. And this has been coming from all “sides” of the issues.

We know that words are powerful. Scripture contains numerous references to the importance of words and their capacity to do both good and harm. As just a couple of examples, we see in Proverbs 15:1 that “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (ESV).  And James, speaking of the tongue, writes, “It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God. From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers, these things ought not to be so” (James 3:8b-10, ESV). Words matter. They have the power to build up or to tear down. And choice of words matters. But are the words themselves all that should be considered?

I’d like to suggest that they are not, for one simple reason: two people can use the same words and mean very different things. To use a silly example, let’s say you were planning two trips, one to Vermont and one to Florida. Your friends in each place tell you to pack appropriately because “It’s been cold here lately.” If you’d never been to either place before and were basing your choice of clothes only on your friends’ words, you might pack similarly for both trips, not realizing that “cold” to a Vermonter is well below freezing, while “cold” to a Floridian is around 50 degrees Fahrenheit. To better understand how you should act in response to their statements, you might ask, “What do you consider cold?” or “What exactly is the temperature?”

As we apply this same idea to other situations, we find that we must look beyond the words a person says to the person speaking them and seek to understand the perspective and intent behind the words, looking at each speaker within the unique context that he or she is speaking from rather than lumping that speaker into a homogenous group with everyone else who uses the same words.

Perhaps the greatest example of this in our recent weeks is the argument between use of the phrases “Black lives matter” and “all lives matter.” I have seen people—and sadly even Christian people—criticize, even excoriate, others for using each of these phrases, and wrapped up in each criticism is an assumption about the other person’s intended meaning in using these specific words. For example, some look at anyone who says that “Black lives matter” as a full-on supporter of the BLM organization and all of its leftist (to be distinguished from liberal) political agendas. On the flip side, some look at anyone who says that “all lives matter” as an insensitive white supremacist who refuses to see the injustices that have been committed against people with dark skin much less feel badly about them.

What such a generalizing response to these words does is shut down conversation before it even begins. It lumps people into labels and inhibits asking questions because the answers are already assumed. This is not a problem if we think we have nothing to learn (which is a dangerous place to be, by the way). But it is a huge problem if we truly want to relate to others, to grow in knowledge, understanding, and wisdom. For followers of Jesus it is an even bigger problem, since we are called to become more like Him, which includes growing in humility and in the fruit of His Spirit.

So while words are important, they are not all-important. Studying communication in college, I learned that breakdowns in communication occur when what is sent is received differently than how it is meant. Successful communicators on the sending end are able to explain what they mean by the words they say to better ensure that they are understood correctly by the hearer. The message is the meaning, while the words are the vehicles used to transport the meaning to the receiver. What is important, then, for successful communication as a hearer, is to root out the meaning (i.e. intended definition) of the words being sent.

There is a counter argument circulating, however, against the idea that intended meaning of words is more relevant than how they are received. I have seen some assert that intent is irrelevant and impact (i.e. perception) is what matters. In other words, it doesn’t matter if someone means well in what they say; if the person hearing it feels badly as a result of what was said, then what was said is morally wrong. Or, to give an example, it doesn’t matter if the sender does not harbor hate or prejudice in his heart; if the receiver feels hated or discriminated against, it was wrong for the sender to say what he said.

In many ways this viewpoint is a reflection of the postmodern worldview that is so prevalent in our culture, the view that sees meaning as relative and something which is determined by the reader/receiver rather than by the author/sender. In this view, reality for receivers is determined solely by their subjective feelings rather than by a more objective understanding of the original message. Rather than responding to what was actually meant, then, the receivers respond to what they assume was meant. And this constitutes a textbook breakdown of communication.

Certainly as senders, we have the responsibility to choose our words wisely, i.e. to choose the vehicle that will best express our actual intent, and to be mindful of how our words will affect others. But sometimes senders don’t have access to the full range of vehicles that exist. Sometimes they are unaware that the vehicle they have chosen won’t get them where they want to go. So as hearers, we must show grace. We must give the benefit of the doubt. We must assume positive intent and become partners with the sender rather than adversaries as we work to communicate clearly for the betterment of both parties.

If we truly want to make a difference, if we truly want to be agents of positive change, if we truly want to build relationships, if we truly want to learn, then we must practice active listening, i.e. we must not assume we are receiving the accurate message and must ask for context and clarification. When someone says something that makes us feel offended or skeptical or hurt, instead of assuming negative intent, we should try responding with, “When you said such-and-such, this is what it sounded/felt like you meant:______.  Is that really what you meant?” And if we don’t have the opportunity to start that conversation, rather than assuming negative intent, let’s try assuming positive intent.

As with all of my posts, this one also serves as a reminder to myself; I am not exempt from my own critiques and challenges. Several years ago the Lord used a sister in Christ to teach me the importance of assuming the best of others, particularly when it comes to what they say and do (or don’t say and don’t do) and it is something I have been intentionally mindful of ever since, although it is a lesson I am still learning. Here is what I have found so far:

When we assume negative intent, we become offended and hurt; we think lowlier of the offender; we take the first step toward bitterness; we harm ourselves by nurturing negative feelings; we do not glorify Christ. When we assume positive intent, we turn the magnifying glass on ourselves; we discover why we react to certain things in certain ways and discover areas of our own lives that need to be brought under submission to God; we take the first step toward showing grace to others; we benefit ourselves through release of negative feelings; we glorify Christ.

I’ll close with a quotation I first heard in a family psychology class I took in college. It has stuck with me ever since I heard it, and it has served as an excellent guide as I interact with others. “Seek to understand, before you seek to be understood.” If we take the focus off of ourselves and our feelings and instead seek to serve others by striving to understand where they are coming from, I daresay we will find we have a lot more in common with each other than perhaps we originally thought. And maybe, just maybe, we can take steps toward each other and then move forward together rather than speaking past each other and moving nowhere.

PC: Pamela Hollis. Used with permission.